I like to think that I’d be a good mother. I know that D would be a good father. We’d bring our kids up to know right from wrong, to value the beauty and worth of everything and everyone. We’d enjoy their company but would never forget that we were responsible for how these little humans would grow up. We would apply discipline when necessary and lavish them with love all the time. However, after having spent the weekend in close proximity to what seemed like thousands of nieces and nephews but which was, in reality, only four of them, I think the chances of either of us becoming parents is non-existent. Before the weekend there was always hope but, I swear, over the course of two and a half days, I felt my ovaries shrivel into nothing, taking all hope for future offspring with them.
Individually, the kids are great. Sweet. Well behaved. Loving. Generous. Together? Well. I’m only glad I had my knitting with me and could sit in a corner, quietly rocking and knitting row after row after row, because having my hands busy and my mind occupied with stitch counting saved me from offering my opinion where it definitely wasn’t wanted.
Now there’s no-one about to tell me my opinions aren’t needed — and more, that they are valueless — because I cannot possibly know how hard it is to bring up a child and how exactly is it my business if they are attempting to kill each other anyway? I guess there’s always you, the reader, to tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about but hey, you weren’t there and you wouldn’t have such ill mannered, ill disciplined children, would you?
In all fairness, I have to admit that it was really only one of the kids who was ill mannered. It was the same child who continually incited the others to riot. As with some many things, it really only does take one.
So, my advice to this particular child’s mother would go something like this:
– Spend less time complaining about the little boy at school who is a bully and is manipulative and divisive and pay more attention to your child who is exhibiting all of those behaviours and then some.
– Ask yourself why he keeps acquiring friends who are manipulative and divisive.
– There is a reason that his cousins keep complaining that your child is pushing them around.
– If you continue to give into his demands, he will continue to walk all over you. Stop giving in. For your sake, for the sake of all of us, stop giving in to him. He’s only seven and he already has your measure.
– If your child comes to you with something he is proud of making, praise his creativity instead of picking on the faults. If you keep focusing on the negative you’ll kill that spark of creativity that drives everything he does, good or bad. So what if his 2s and 3s are backwards? He has years ahead of him to correct that; his enthusiasm for creating, however, will not last that long.
Is it that this child is truly bad? Or is it that his mother’s decisions about his upbringing are moulding a rather unlikeable little boy. He is occasionally engaging, occasionally sweet but most of the time I’ve only seen him display a calculated selfishness that allows no-one to stand in his way.
At times, it made for a less than enjoyable weekend.
The good news, however, is that his less than pleasant behaviour and the effect it had on his cousins didn’t seem to affect my blood pressure. Six weeks ago, it was sky high. Yesterday, it was almost down to a more normal, less dangerous levels. And that’s a damned good feeling.
Kids’ behavior (in my opinion) almost always reflects what’s going on with the parents, especially if it’s long-term behavior, as opposed to a temporary, I’m-sick-so-I’m-cranky kind of thing. Kids are mirrors of and for their parents, and they depend on their parents to guide them toward healthy behaviors. So you are right on about this mother’s criticisms and lack of guidance adversely affecting this boy’s emotional growth.
Giving into a child’s constant demands does not teach him inner strength or respect for others. In my experience, a lot of “negative” behaviors are the child’s way of asking for attention or guidance. (Of course there are temperamental differences, but I believe children are kind and good at heart.) And children become truly unhappy if they are left to fend for themselves, so to speak. They want boundaries!
But I’m glad you had your knitting and your blood pressure didn’t rocket!
Sorry to hear your desire for kids has been dealt a blow. There is nothing like being around an unpleasant child to do that so successfully. I think the only reason I had children was that my friends all managed to have universally sweet kids, who inspired to attempt my own.
However, I agree with you and Henitserk that he sounds like a little boy needing some positive affirmation. A little bit of praise, in the right place, and a few boundaries, also well-placed, would probably help him feel more comfortable with himself.
A friend said to me: “We childproofed our home years ago, but they’re still getting in.”