Sometime in September I realised that, if I allowed myself to wallow in feelings of outrage and injustice about what was happening in my life, I wasn’t going to make it through. The specifics were a little on the vague side but whatever journey I was about to go on wasn’t looking particularly cushy. The only thing I could be certain of was that I needed to start looking for the good, and the positive, even when life was at its most foul.
Sure enough, looking for and finding the smallest thing to be grateful for and to be happy about kept me going and, for a while, tenuously sane. I couldn’t control or eliminate the problems but while there was something to be thankful for I could put them to one side, to be dealt with later, in private.
On Sunday, I ran out of bright sides and glittery, shiny objects to keep me distracted. Apparently, bad situations do not like being ignored and pushed to the side. When they run out of patience you’d better be ready to fight. Or run.
I was tired of fighting, and exhausted from trying to hold the ugly stuff at bay, so I ran, straight out the front door. I asked him not to follow me, or call me. I told him that I’d be home when I was good and ready. Secretly, I hoped he’d hear the challenge and that he would come looking for me, thus proving that he’s not ready to give up on us or into his demons.
My little passive-aggressive number had the desired effect. I ran to the first place that came to mind (not being able, in my confused and despairing state, to think of anywhere else). He found me within the hour. We talked for a while, in that public place where we had to be reasonable and calm. I agreed to come home; once home, we talked some more and maybe both cried a little.
What matters is that I’m still here.
What matters is that we’re still being reasonable and calm.
What matters is that his demons are still with him but we’re fighting them together.
It’s not going to be easy and it may take more time to work through than I can even begin to imagine. I know now that there will be times when I’m going to think that it is easier to walk away, even if for only a few hours, and times during which I will feel despondent and despairing. In order to get through, I will have to allow those feelings and give them the recognition that they need. He has to heal and so do I and recognising the bad moments is going to be part of that healing. This doesn’t mean I will stop looking for the small things to be happy about; it simply means recognising that sometimes I may not be able to find them.
(If you don’t recognise the phrase, Lasciate ogne speranze, voi ch’intrate is the inscription over the Gates of Hell in Dante’s Inferno and is usually translated as “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”. He came so close…)
Oh, Kerryn, take this as a big hug all the way from Germany. Well done on trying to focus on the positive; sometimes that is the way to go, and good luck with the what the coming days and weeks hold for the two of you.
Thanks Charlotte — the hug is most appreciated.
My inner Pollyanna escaped from me the other day and I’m still trying to locate her. With time, I hope to. And with time, I hope that D and I will get through this intact.
I hope you’re OK. I am sending good vibes. My brain is currently not fully operational but hopefully it will be tomorrow and I can send even better vibes! I think there is something in the stars, you know… But yeah, I am with you in trying to focus on the positive.
Thanks Helen. Hmmm… good vibes. Sending some back your way (it’s all part of being positive). Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Sending hugs and cups of tea, if they help, over the ether.
I hate fighting but feel sometimes that Pollyanna can only do her thing for so long before words need to be said and tears have to fall. And that leaving or withdrawing for a short time is the only way to draw breath and stay sane. There have been some doosies in our house… And probably will be again, although I would hope that we never have to be in some of the situations we’ve been in before, ever again.
Sounds like you’re going through some tough stuff together. Hope you find a good way through it all.
Yep, sending all the positive vibes your way.
Thanks Janet. It is tough stuff that we’re facing and I wish that there was an easy way to make it go away but tea and hugs help.
It’s going to be one day at a time — this stuff isn’t going away unfortunately and possibly never will. But we will get through the worst of it and figure out a way to live with the bits that stay with us.
Oh Kerryn, I’m so sorry to hear about this, although you’ve hinted at this before. I know it doesn’t help, but I’ve been there and so far, I can say sticking it out and working through all the shit has been worth it. But never feel bad about leaving, and never feel bad about taking whatever time you need. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to the man you love, and act with integrity towards each of you, and you will be okay, whatever happens. Feel free to email me if you ever need someone to talk to – Love, Courtney
Be kind to yourself, and be kind to the man you love, and act with integrity towards each of you, and you will be okay, whatever happens.
This I think I am going to print out to carry with me. And I’m going to give a copy to D.
Thank you so much Courtney — that is what I needed to hear but didn’t realise it until I read your words, all of them, and started to cry.
Enjoyed the reading.
Angel Without Wings
by LateNiteFantasy©
Lost and alone
In the world she did roam
Pretending to be alive.
Did she ever feel free
As she longed to be
Without losing some part of her life?
Angel of Death
Come take her last breath,
Come and set her free.
Angel of Death,
She’s broken, bereft
Give her peace in eternity.
The angel is falling
To Heaven she’s calling.
Without wings she cannot fly.
She can’t trust herself
Or anyone else
And she’s losing her will to try.
She tried hard to make it
But she just couldn’t take it
She was doomed from the very start.
For she always did find
That the world was unkind
Anytime she followed her heart.
From the cradle she fell
Down a cold dark well.
And so she held onto the light
But she did not doubt
As she did climb out
But fell back in as she fled in the night.
And the angel is falling,
To Heaven she’s calling
Without wings she cannot fly.
She can’t trust herself
Or anyone else
For years she’s been longing to die.
An angel without wings
Seldom will sing.
For who brings comfort at night?
She screams of her pain
To the storms and the rain
Wingless she cannot take flight.
Angel of Death
Take her last breath
Come and set her free.
Angel of Death
She’s broken, bereft.
Give her peace in eternity
And the angel is falling
To Heaven she’s calling,
Without wings she cannot fly.
She can’t trust herself
Or anyone else
And she’s lost her will to try.
Abandon every hope but one so shall you enter.
I think that you have found part of the answer & may be the question too.
Good vibes, now.