Blue fish

The last fortnight has been difficult. There have been times I’ve been tempted to walk away from everything. Hell, I’m still contemplating finding a place to hide from the world. All I need is a suitcase with some clothes and books and maybe a little money to buy myself some food. That’s all it would take to make me feel happier.

Random thought #1: It’s disturbing how much satisfaction I get cleaning my ear with a cotton bud. Eargasm.

But then I remind myself that there are people out there worse off than me. My brother is in the process of ending his relationship of ten years, and faces the prospect of seeing his four children for two days in every fourteen. He’s in a worse place than me. And let me just remember the hundreds of thousands of people in poverty with not enough to eat. They’re worse off than me, easily.

This is personal though. This is me, afraid that I’m about to lose the one thing in my life I thought had everything going for it.

When I went into this marriage I knew that there would be difficult times. I knew that we wouldn’t agree on everything and that there might be arguments about those things on which we didn’t agree. I thought there might be situations we couldn’t control but which we could find a way around. I thought that we’d be able to work our way through those times with understanding and good communication. I’m starting to think that I was wrong.

Random thought #2: One way to improve shopping centres is to provide express walkways for those people who know where they are going and need to get there in a hurry. There would be no loitering allowed and the walkways would be wide enough for only two people.

I’m starting to see that this situation is one I cannot control and that I cannot continue to let it control me. There is only one person who has the power to effect the change that is required and I don’t think he has the motivation to do that. Yet.

I’m starting to think that no amount of understanding or communication will make the slightest difference.

I’m starting to think that the few moments of happiness we do find in each others company are illusions. I could live with these illusions, quite happily, if they were happening more frequently than they are.

Random thought #3: Someone in the post office is putting our mail aside and delivering it all on Mondays.

But then this might all be in my head. There might not be anything wrong. I might just be creating the drama for the fun of it. I might just be imagining that everything I wanted, and everything I had, is moving out of my reach.

I might just be confused. Or delusional. Or both.

And tomorrow everything might be back to normal. Whatever normal is.

Maybe I just need some sleep.

Random thought #4: Isn’t it fun to watch someone out of control on a downhill slope?

I’m tired.

I’m confused.

I’m stressed.

I’ve given myself permission to be all of these, and more.

Far from random quote: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. ~Dr. Seuss